Passive-Aggressive Coworker? Handle It with the LOWER Method

If you work with someone who smiles in the meeting then “forgets” your request, drops sly comments in chat, or “accidentally” delays tasks that affect your deadlines, you’re not imagining it. That mismatch between what they say and what they do breeds confusion, resentment, and a steady drip of frustration. Psychologists describe passive-aggressive behavior as indirect expressions of negative feelings or hostility that show up through procrastination, backhanded compliments, subtle sabotage, or stubbornness—appearing neutral on the surface while undermining you in practice. 

This guide applies the LOWER method used at ThatsFrustrating.com to help you respond with clarity and calm. LOWER stands for Label, Own, Wait, Explore, Resolve. It is simple enough to remember in a tense moment, yet practical enough to change the dynamic over time.

Why passive-aggression is so frustrating

Frustration spikes when your effort doesn’t produce the result you expect. With passive-aggression, the gap between expectation and reality widens: you agreed on a plan, but deliverables slip; you asked a clear question, but get sarcasm; you need collaboration, but get polite resistance. Your brain flags this as a threat, tightening your chest, narrowing your focus, and draining your patience. You begin to second-guess yourself or overfunction to compensate. That cycle—confusing behavior, rising tension, self-doubt—keeps you stuck. Naming the pattern and responding consistently breaks it.

The LOWER Method at Work

L — Label what’s happening

Start by neutrally labeling the behavior and its impact. Use concrete observations, not interpretations of motive.

• Use the phrase: “that’s frustrating when…”
  Examples:
  
  • “That’s frustrating when the deck is revised after sign-off and we learn about it the morning of the client call.”
  • “That’s frustrating when tasks tied to my deadline are delayed without a heads-up.”
  • “That’s frustrating when feedback is shared with others but not directly with me.”

Labeling helps you anchor in facts and lowers the heat. It also reduces the wiggle room that enables passive-aggression to flourish—ambiguity. According to clinical guidance, passive-aggressive behavior thrives on the disconnect between words and actions; accurate, specific descriptions shrink that disconnect. 

Pro tip: Keep your voice steady and your wording plain. Avoid labels like “You’re being passive-aggressive.” Label the behavior and the effect; let the facts do the heavy lifting.

O — Own your feeling and stake

Shift from blame to self-awareness. This does two things: it signals maturity and it clarifies why the issue matters.

• Transition with: “I feel frustrated when…”
  Examples:
  
  • “I feel frustrated when approvals slip because it puts the client timeline at risk and reflects on my team.”
  • “I feel frustrated when meeting agreements change afterward because I plan my work around what we commit to in the room.”

Owning your feeling isn’t weakness. It’s boundary-setting wrapped in clarity. Research-based advice for dealing with passive-aggressive colleagues emphasizes staying calm, naming effects, and making specific requests, not attacking character. 

W — Wait before reacting

Passive-aggression tempts instant replies—snark, overexplaining, or frantic fixes. Don’t take the bait. Pause to:

1. Breathe and ground: two slow exhales.
2. Recheck facts: What was agreed, documented, or delivered.
3. Choose the right channel: A quick 1:1 chat often beats a long email thread.
4. Decide your boundary: What will you ask for next.

That brief wait helps restore your thinking when threat-mode narrows your options. 

E — Explore smart options

Here are four practical paths you can try. Use one—or sequence them—in a single conversation:

1. Surface the discrepancy, not the drama.
   
   • “We agreed yesterday that you’d send the numbers by 3 p.m. I see they didn’t come through. What changed?”
   • Follow with a specific ask: “What’s a realistic time today to send them so I can finalize the deck?”
     
2. Make the invisible visible with documentation.
   
   • Summarize decisions in writing: next steps, owners, and due dates.
   • Keep it friendly and factual: “Recap from today: Alex – client quotes by Wed 10 a.m.; I’ll integrate by 2 p.m.; launch file to review by 4 p.m.”
     Clear documentation counters the “I never said that” dance described in workplace guidance and makes progress measurable.  
     
3. Offer a low-friction out that still protects your timeline.
   
   • “If the data cleanup is bigger than expected, I can take the charts if you send raw exports by noon.”
   • “If you’re waiting on Jordan, can you copy me so I can help unblock it?”
     You aren’t rescuing—you’re removing excuses while keeping outcomes on track. Health resources note that passive-aggressive patterns often mask discomfort with direct conflict; removing friction helps the work move without rewarding the behavior.  
     
4. Set a consequence that you actually control.
   
   • “If I don’t have the quotes by noon, I’ll publish the deck without the testimonial slide and note that it’s pending.”
   • “If approvals slip past Friday, I’ll push the launch date and update the client status.”
     Consequences are about your actions, not threats. State them up front, then follow through consistently. HBR’s advice emphasizes clear expectations and accountability over calling out motives.  

R — Resolve with a simple plan

Close the loop with a small, concrete plan you can track:

• Confirm the next step: “You’ll send the three quotes by noon; I’ll integrate by 2.”
• Put it where everyone can see it: task board, shared doc, or follow-up email.
• Schedule a quick check-in to reinforce the new norm.

Over time, this consistent pattern—Label, Own, Wait, Explore, Resolve—shrinks the space where passive-aggression hides. Documented expectations plus calm follow-through rewires the working relationship.

Real-world scripts you can copy

When deadlines slip with silent resistance

• “That’s frustrating when the analytics are missing from the deck after we agreed they’d be in this version. I feel frustrated when I can’t finalize on time because it impacts the client handoff. What changed, and what’s realistic for today so I can still ship?”

When you get a backhanded comment in chat

• “That’s frustrating when feedback comes as sarcasm in the channel. I feel frustrated when I can’t tell what needs to change. Could you post the specific issue and the preferred fix so I can address it?”

When someone agrees publicly, then avoids privately

• “That’s frustrating when we agree in the standup, but the follow-ups don’t happen. I feel frustrated when I replan around commitments that don’t stick. Let’s write the three tasks, owners, and times here so we’re aligned.”

When they triangulate

• “That’s frustrating when concerns about my work are raised to others but not to me. I feel frustrated when I can’t improve because I don’t have the details. Next time, please bring it to me directly—or loop me in on the thread—and I’ll respond same day.”

Boundaries that hold

• Clarity first: Convert every “nice” vague agreement into a specific action, owner, and time.
• One follow-up, then consequence: Check in once. If no movement, act on your boundary.
• Keep receipts, not grudges: Track agreements and outcomes without editorializing.
• Escalate behavior, not character: If patterns persist, share the facts and impacts with your manager and propose a process fix—SLAs, task board, or sign-offs—rather than personality critique.

Helpful resources

If you want foundational definitions and deeper context, these are concise and credible:

• Mayo Clinic on signs of passive-aggressive behavior and how it shows up in daily life.  
• APA Dictionary of Psychology for a clear description of passive-aggressive behavior and how aggression can be expressed indirectly.  
• Harvard Business Review on approaches for dealing with passive-aggressive colleagues—focus on specificity, calm tone, and clear requests.  

Connect to related guides on ThatsFrustrating.com

• If you’re feeling talked over or minimized, pair this article with assertiveness strategies to speak up without escalating conflict.  
• For recurring miscommunication patterns on your team, use the LOWER method in workplace communication to reset how conversations start and end.  

FAQs

What exactly counts as passive-aggressive at work?

A: Subtle resistance or indirect hostility—chronic procrastination, “forgetting,” sarcasm disguised as humor, or polite agreement followed by non-compliance. The key sign is a mismatch between stated agreement and action. 

Should I call it out as “passive-aggressive”?

Usually no. Label the behavior and its impact instead: “We agreed on X by Tuesday; it didn’t arrive. That’s frustrating when it blocks the client deliverable. What changed, and what’s realistic now?” That keeps the focus on outcomes, which evidence-based guidance recommends. 

What if they double down—deny, deflect, or joke?

Return to facts and choices: “Here’s what we agreed, here’s what’s pending. I’m proceeding with the version I have at 4 p.m. unless I receive the updates.” Document the recap in the team channel or tracker. Consistency, not confrontation, changes the pattern. 

Can passive-aggressive behavior be unintentional?

Yes. People may avoid direct conflict, fear repercussions, or feel powerless, and the behavior becomes a coping style. Understanding this can help you depersonalize it—even while you hold firm boundaries. 

When should I escalate to a manager or HR?

When documented patterns continue despite clear expectations, when it affects client outcomes or your well-being, or when you see retaliation or hostility. Bring dates, agreements, misses, and your attempted solutions—not character judgments.

How do I keep my cool in the moment?

Use the Wait step: two slow exhales, check the facts, choose the right channel, then make one specific ask. This keeps your nervous system steady and your message direct. 

Closing: Calm, specific, and consistent wins

Passive-aggression feeds on ambiguity. You don’t have to become a detective or a mind reader—you need a repeatable response. LOWER gives you one:

• Label the concrete behavior: “that’s frustrating when…”
• Own your feeling and why it matters: “I feel frustrated when…”
• Wait to steady yourself and pick the right channel.
• Explore with a specific request, documentation, low-friction options, and real consequences you control.
• Resolve with a simple plan and visible follow-through.

Keep it calm, specific, and consistent. Over a few cycles, the dynamic shifts: either collaboration improves, or the documented pattern becomes obvious enough that process fixes—and, if needed, escalation—are straightforward. You protect your work, your reputation, and your energy while giving your coworker every chance to meet you in a healthier, more direct way.